A Drop in the Ocean
by it's a wonderful dream
Summary: Thoughts of Chuck/Dan/Serena/Nate on their relationships. One sided D/B, D/S, C/B, and N/S. Mentions of D/S/N, C/B/D, and B/N. Post 4x22, pre 5x10. ONE-SHOT.


A Drop in the Ocean

**Author's Note: **I've been having writer's block for chapter 5 of _Checkmate_, so I thought I would try a side project. I apologize, I'm not a D/B or D/S shipper so it might be a bit OOC.

**Pairings: **One sided D/B, C/B, D/S, N/S, mentions of D/S/N, C/B/D, and B/N. Set in season 5, before 5x10.

**Note: **Dan is not Gossip Girl, and Dan and Serena don't share a sibling. R&R!

_A drop in the ocean. A change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together._

He remembers the girl at the 9th grade party-the one he wasn't invited to. She could've lit up the room with her shining blonde waves and her sparkling smile. He was smitten-infatuated even. Stalker like. Love drives you to do desperate things. At least he thought it was love, it was more like a celebrity crush. Unrequited, impossible, but obsessive. An infatuation. When she dropped her phone, storming away from Chuck, it was an open door. When he got her, it was like a dream come true. Unfortunately, dreams have to come to an end. She was the popular, blonde wealthy Upper East Side girl with the hot, tangled mess of a past. Drugs, lying, sleeping around. It was a hard pill to swallow for the reserved middle class Brooklynite dubbed "Lonely Boy" by Gossip Girl with the clean, good, wholesome past. He realizes that he doesn't miss being in a relationship with her. They didn't have much in common, and he now knows that he can never really trust her. She was an exhausting girlfriend, she had so much energy and had a wild streak. She was so damn _broken, _he realizes, between her messy past and instability. After him, it was Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Tripp, Nate, Colin…He had never liked her best friend, but now he realizes that he never really gave her a chance, he was too infatuated with her blonde best friend. She was everything the blonde wasn't, intelligent, loyal (to her friends at least), stable, and calm (unless someone did something to piss her off). Being with her was so damn _easy. _She liked the things her blonde counterpart hated, art exhibits, films, and intellectual discussions. He loved her competitive spirit, unlike her best friend who just glided through life, getting everything she wanted without working for it. She was who he wanted. But, as fate would have it, she was never his. He was fighting with Chuck and Louis for her. A prince and her ex whom she still loved and could never stay away from. And, he was Lonely Boy from Brooklyn. She's Blair Waldorf, the best of the best. He never had her, but he still managed to lose her.

He remembers a time when his life was dictated by his parents, and his girlfriend, the controlling Queen at Constance. His girlfriend wouldn't shut up about their future at Yale and Dartmouth and marriage. He just wanted to be free. The fling with Serena wasn't a drunken stupor. It was real. Serena was everything he wanted, carefree, fun, and bubbly. But, he couldn't end it with Blair. Even though there is a boy who just wants to be free, deep down inside, the boy doesn't want to disappoint his parents. So he continues the charade, the fake declarations of love, the kisses, the touches, the plans for the future. They do end up breaking up, and he is free. But, not for long. Blair and Serena are so different, but so similar. One is a brunette, mysterious, elegant, and slightly reserved. The other is a blonde, energetic, bubbly, and outgoing. Their main similarity is that Nate Archibald, no matter how hard he tries can't stay away, for long. He notices Blair, after the breakup. She's lighter, happier. In other words, more like _Serena. _Since he can't have the real one, he settles for this one. Of course, their relationship implodes when he finds out that she was sleeping with his best friend. He's had short relationships with Vanessa, a few kisses with Jenny, a short relationship with Blair again then Bree Buckley, Juliet, and Raina. But these girls keep leading him back to Serena. He compares them to Serena. Their personalities, their kisses, their laughs. And they fall short every time. He chases Serena, but loses her, to his married cousin. He's a desperate lovestruck teenage boy, he does what he has to. He shows the video to Maureen. It's selfish, stupid, and desperate, but it's love which trumps everything. Finally, Serena gives him a chance. It's like a fairytale, he thinks than cringes. It was too much of a Blair-ish saying. Of course, everything goes to hell when Serena kisses Dan. It hurts like hell. Then, she says that she needs time to think. He lets her dictate, because she's the love of his life. He can't let her go. The feeling he get when she kisses him at Chuck's Saints&Sinners party is like magic. Of course, all goes to hell again, when he finds out that she also kissed Dan. He's torn. He loves her, but he can't be with her, if she has underlying feelings for his rival in the battle for Serena's heart. He closes his heart off to Serena. But, this kind of love never fades. High school Nate thought his fling with Serena was simply lust. Which guy in their right mind didn't want to bang Serena van der Woodsen? Now, he knows that Serena's the real deal. He loves her, every part of her. Even the flighty part of her that makes her flit from guy to guy. It's who she is. The flighty part of her makes it so damn hard or impossible to be with her, even though he loves her. He doesn't want to admit it, but his heart is like glass. And, Serena's blow can shatter his whole damn heart.

He's always wanted her. Even before that fateful night at Victrola. He's _hers' _as quickly as he loses her. It was his fault, but also hers. That was part of the reason they worked so well together. They were both so broken, so flawed, and their love was so passionate. Dark. Dangerous. Fire playing with fire. They're both a little dead inside too, but still very much alive. He remembers the first time he loses her. She lets Nate escort her to Cotillion. He couldn't compete against his best friend. He feels her slipping away as she agrees. He pines for her, longing to touch those silky chocolate brown curls just _one last time. _It's also funny, in the not-so-funny way. It's laced with sarcasm and irony. _Because he's Chuck Bass. _And, Chuck Bass doesn't pine for girls. He doesn't pursue one night stands. This is so un-Chuck Bass that it is laughable, and that laughter is etched with irony. After that Gossip Girl scandal that he created, she's his again. But, he lets her go. Because, even though he loves Blair Waldorf, he's still who he is. He's nobody's second choice. It hurts to see her hurting. For every dirty look she gets, he feels it too. She slips into his palm again, at the wedding. But, slips away just as easily. And it's all his fault. If only he had decided to accompany her to Tuscany. Maybe everything would be different. If only he hadn't pushed her away that night at the bar in the wake of the scandal. If only he had got the courage to face his worst fears and boarded the jet. If only he hadn't run away in the middle of the night after his father's funeral. If only he hadn't made the deal with Jack and dealt with the consequences, with her by his side. If only he hadn't slept with Jenny. If only he hadn't come back to the Upper East Side with Eva. If only, he hadn't let her go and told her to marry her prince. If only. Maybe everything would be different. Now he's hit rock bottom and shattered. It's happened before, after his father died. But it's worse this time around, because there's no one there to pick up the pieces.

She was such a silly girl. She was careless about her relationships and friendships, because she assumed that they would come right back, when they realized that they needed her. She was so selfish, arrogant, and stupid. The countless times she threw her friendship with Blair away-for a fling, for Poppy, who turned out to be a con artist, the list goes on. Her biggest regret was being so fucking careless about her relationship with Dan. Maybe the reason that she chose him was wrong. She wanted to prove Blair that she changed, and needed to stay away from Nate, so what better way than to get a new boyfriend? Then, she fell for him, and it was sunshine and daisies for a while. Georgina came back into her life and destroyed her relationship. That's what she kept telling herself for a while, to absolve the guilt and pain. At one point, she realizes that it was her. Yes, it was Georgina who lit the spark. But, she was the one who doused their relationship in oil. Maybe, if she hadn't lied to him so much. Maybe, if she didn't make such stupid mistakes. Maybe if she wasn't so…_herself. _After Dan, it was fling after fling after fling. Then, there's Nate. Yes, it was fun, and Nate had things in common with her that Dan didn't. Their relationship turns tense because of the same reason that Dan ended it with her at the end of junior year. She lies to him again and again about seeing Carter. Their relationship officially crashes and burns after the Gossip Girl blast of her and Dan. He says that he forgives her, but she knows that their relationship will never be the same. The trust element was shattered. She had always blamed Jenny, for sending that Gossip Girl blast. But, she kissed him. Again, she destroys another one of her relationships. After a summer in Paris and some soul searching, she realizes that her heart truly lies with Dan. She goes to Chuck's party to kiss Dan, but there's an intervention-Juliet's plan. She has a short relationship with Ben, but it didn't last. There were too many obstacles, her mother, his mother, and her friends. The kiss that Dan and Blair shared at the Pink Party stung for a reason, she wasn't over Dan. It was the ultimate betrayal. Dan looked at Blair, like he loved her. She called bullshit on the "staged" kiss. She started talking trash about Blair, she said awful things that gossipers probably said about _her _in the wake of awful scandals she was in. She was so angry and hurt that the love of her life chose another girl, who was seeing the prince of Monaco. She didn't even love him! She did. And, he still chooses her.

**Author's Note**: Okay, this could've been four separate one shots. The Dair and Derena parts are pretty OOC. I don't usually write in Dan/Nate/Serena POV so this was interesting. I'm still stuck for chapter 5 of _Checkmate. _Ugh. I will try to get a chapter up in a least a week. R&R!


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